Ten treatments down and two to go to complete this first cycle...
And damn, it's really kicking my butt now! All last night and this morning I have been dealing with an upset stomach. I am experiencing a little nausea now, but it came on mostly after the scan on Wednesday after drinking that sugary juice to get the cancer cells active and feeding. Its nasty stuff. Other than that, my blood counts are still good, my weight is stable at 198 lbs, blood pressure was 120/86, blood O2 was 98%, and pulse was 102 bpm. It was another busy day at the chemo lounge and I found myself bellied up at the bar in the group room. All the nurses have gotten used to me being in on Fridays and so were surprised to see me. One nurse even said a few of the Friday patients were asking what happened to me, probably Clay and Kate. I'll have to come in for a vitamin infusion on Friday to let the Friday happy hour folks know I am still kicking! Even now as I get to know some of the Thursday regulars, I see that we are all pulling for each other, no matter of your age or disease. But then again, there is Ken the pill popper who I am sure doesn't have too many fans around the clinic. But given the preference, everyone would like to see him get better and not have to come back then the alternative. Last week, I used the bathroom after him and it smelled like he just had a smoke in there. This comes on the heals of the anti-smoking law passed in Washington and taking effect early in December. I do see him as a disgruntled soul not caring what happens to him, just feed him the vices and let him go the way he wants. While this can be troubling to me, I just accept it and focus on my own health. He may not fully care, but I do, so I will draw some strength from him and fight for my own survival so that there is at least one more memory he will live on in. Of course, he might be the stubborn type that drinks, pops pills, and smokes his way to full recovery. Some people do it and who are we to judge one's own healing process? If that's the case, the nurses will live on in his memory and I am sure the rest of us will be empty faces to him! Even in a clinic where many people go to die, life is still quite interesting and worthy of taking notice. With the group room almost full, I estimated there was about 350 years of combined life history sitting in there. Thats a lot of stories and experiences, much of which is probably very interesting if we took the time to listen. Unfortunately, its not always easy to be in the mood to listen or even to talk. I consider myself fortunate enough to be young enough for this beating, not everyone in there can say the same. But sometimes you don't need to talk and listen, you just sit there and know that you share something deeply in common, fight for survival. Age clearly doesn't make a difference in this fight, we all want to live just the same. And we all share a confident little secret, we came to the right place that gives us the advantage. While I am sure there are a lot of competent and successful cancer treatment centers throughout the world, we share a faith that we are the right one. As Dr. Bernie Seigel says in his book Love, Medicine, and Miracles, confidence and faith does more healing than the best pharmaceuticals money can buy. So there is instant respect between patients, we all chose correctly and all is good. Well, Ken aside. One last thing on Ken, the guy does like his narcotics and I respect Dr. Chen for giving him what he needs, even if its to shut him up. I don't think Dr. Chen over perscribes, I think he has to evaluate Ken's pain as best he can and he has to give him enough to be pain free, whether its physical or mental. And looking at Ken, I think he came in with a bad liver to begin with so there probably isn't much more damage the narcotics can do. I am sure when he is not getting treatments, he is drinking, smoking, and eating Big Macs. While I try to be humble enough not to judge a book by its cover, you can't help to see people for who they are. Cancer and chemo treatments have a way of brining out a person's soul right in public, and Ken's soul is troubled and filled with pain. I wish him the best, as I do for all the patients in this clinic and the thousands of others around the world. May we all find peace within ourselves so we can eventually rest in peace.
I also met with Dr. Chen, his PA Christina, and Dr. Gignac while sipping on my cool chemo cocktail. They all say I look good, the blood counts look good, and glad to see stable weight. Not much was said now that we are waiting to see the results of the scan. The main things I covered with Dr. Gignac is the upset stomach and sore guts and the the sores on my tongue. He gave me a couple more herbs to begin using to counter these problems. He agreed with Dr. Sodhi to increase my fruit eating and have a little more yogurt. One of the herbs, Argentyn-23, is actually a colloidal silver hydrosol, it will help with the mouth sores and any intestinal sores that might be developing from the chemo. The other herb, 5-HTP, will help with getting more sleep. Although, I see it also deals with depression so I am wondering if Dr. Gignac thinks that I might have depression keeping me awake after chemo. I feel thats not the case because I can get good sleep most other nights. Its likely the steroids as part of the chemo premed cocktail. Speaking of, I also had my biweekly dose of Avastin. So I get about a half-pint of premeds, 25cc of benadryl, 2-pints of saline/surgar fluid, about a pint of Avastin, a pint of Taxol and a pint of carboplatin. I do wonder if there is any more blood left in my veins after such a large infusion! It seems to all go into me without a hitch. But, here I am, up at 4:30 AM, adding more fodder to the blog on a fine Friday morning. I wanted to get into the office today for a little bit but it will be dependent on if I can get a nap in later this morning.
On a personal, yet life altering note, Beth said she was meeting with her mom this weekend to discuss wedding plans. Unlike my disease, I think I am at the point of no return on this one! It has caused me to reflect on the difference between having cancer and ending bachelorhood. As bad as cancer is, it doesn't seem so permanent to me. Marriage on the other hand....well, I will never be able to check "single" on all those legal forms, unless its the "single, divorced" box. But I don't see ever checking that box. By the time we tie the knot, I will have been a bachelor for 34 years. While just a couple of years ago I was thinking I might be a bachelor well into my 40's or more, I now see how short life can be and I am ready to chuck that label to add more experiences to my life. I have it good, I love Beth and what she does for me. I am so lucky to have her so dedicated to me at this time. When I first was diagnosed, I loved her enough to want her to get out so her life wouldn't be dragged down by what could be my deteriating health. We were only a year and a half into our relationship and I thought that it would still be easy on the both of us to break it off so that she could enjoy a more normal life. Well, as you can see, that impluse never came to fruition so she left me no option but to put a ring on her finger and make her the focal point of my goal to beat this disease. If she is confident enough to stick it out with me, I am confident enough to beat this and get back on track to that more normal life. She see's something in me, the healing process, and nothing in the statistics to believe we have a future together. And while we do have our down days, I see it as well through her and you, my community of support, that I can and will beat this. So we will get married, probably sometime in May, and we will have a future. Due to her dedication to me, I owe it to her. Due to my love for her, I owe it to myself. My heart may have a little cancer on it now, but I will not die with a broken heart, I will work as hard as it takes to ensure this future.
Now for my first blog shotout...Many of my Cal Poly buddies are now making contact with me and giving me their thoughts and prayers. I didn't make contact with them early on because I just wasn't sure how to approach it and felt like I should wait until the second scans so that I can offer some good news to just "hey guys, I have cancer and I might die." Hearing from them has given me a big lift. So to the Grand House Posse, I love you all and I am sure glad you are here for me. And thanks to my good friend Stoney for starting the rumors to get the posse emailing and checking in. When we hold that next reunion party, you can count on me being there!
I might be tired as hell right now with an upset stomach, but I feel pretty damn good...
And damn, it's really kicking my butt now! All last night and this morning I have been dealing with an upset stomach. I am experiencing a little nausea now, but it came on mostly after the scan on Wednesday after drinking that sugary juice to get the cancer cells active and feeding. Its nasty stuff. Other than that, my blood counts are still good, my weight is stable at 198 lbs, blood pressure was 120/86, blood O2 was 98%, and pulse was 102 bpm. It was another busy day at the chemo lounge and I found myself bellied up at the bar in the group room. All the nurses have gotten used to me being in on Fridays and so were surprised to see me. One nurse even said a few of the Friday patients were asking what happened to me, probably Clay and Kate. I'll have to come in for a vitamin infusion on Friday to let the Friday happy hour folks know I am still kicking! Even now as I get to know some of the Thursday regulars, I see that we are all pulling for each other, no matter of your age or disease. But then again, there is Ken the pill popper who I am sure doesn't have too many fans around the clinic. But given the preference, everyone would like to see him get better and not have to come back then the alternative. Last week, I used the bathroom after him and it smelled like he just had a smoke in there. This comes on the heals of the anti-smoking law passed in Washington and taking effect early in December. I do see him as a disgruntled soul not caring what happens to him, just feed him the vices and let him go the way he wants. While this can be troubling to me, I just accept it and focus on my own health. He may not fully care, but I do, so I will draw some strength from him and fight for my own survival so that there is at least one more memory he will live on in. Of course, he might be the stubborn type that drinks, pops pills, and smokes his way to full recovery. Some people do it and who are we to judge one's own healing process? If that's the case, the nurses will live on in his memory and I am sure the rest of us will be empty faces to him! Even in a clinic where many people go to die, life is still quite interesting and worthy of taking notice. With the group room almost full, I estimated there was about 350 years of combined life history sitting in there. Thats a lot of stories and experiences, much of which is probably very interesting if we took the time to listen. Unfortunately, its not always easy to be in the mood to listen or even to talk. I consider myself fortunate enough to be young enough for this beating, not everyone in there can say the same. But sometimes you don't need to talk and listen, you just sit there and know that you share something deeply in common, fight for survival. Age clearly doesn't make a difference in this fight, we all want to live just the same. And we all share a confident little secret, we came to the right place that gives us the advantage. While I am sure there are a lot of competent and successful cancer treatment centers throughout the world, we share a faith that we are the right one. As Dr. Bernie Seigel says in his book Love, Medicine, and Miracles, confidence and faith does more healing than the best pharmaceuticals money can buy. So there is instant respect between patients, we all chose correctly and all is good. Well, Ken aside. One last thing on Ken, the guy does like his narcotics and I respect Dr. Chen for giving him what he needs, even if its to shut him up. I don't think Dr. Chen over perscribes, I think he has to evaluate Ken's pain as best he can and he has to give him enough to be pain free, whether its physical or mental. And looking at Ken, I think he came in with a bad liver to begin with so there probably isn't much more damage the narcotics can do. I am sure when he is not getting treatments, he is drinking, smoking, and eating Big Macs. While I try to be humble enough not to judge a book by its cover, you can't help to see people for who they are. Cancer and chemo treatments have a way of brining out a person's soul right in public, and Ken's soul is troubled and filled with pain. I wish him the best, as I do for all the patients in this clinic and the thousands of others around the world. May we all find peace within ourselves so we can eventually rest in peace.
I also met with Dr. Chen, his PA Christina, and Dr. Gignac while sipping on my cool chemo cocktail. They all say I look good, the blood counts look good, and glad to see stable weight. Not much was said now that we are waiting to see the results of the scan. The main things I covered with Dr. Gignac is the upset stomach and sore guts and the the sores on my tongue. He gave me a couple more herbs to begin using to counter these problems. He agreed with Dr. Sodhi to increase my fruit eating and have a little more yogurt. One of the herbs, Argentyn-23, is actually a colloidal silver hydrosol, it will help with the mouth sores and any intestinal sores that might be developing from the chemo. The other herb, 5-HTP, will help with getting more sleep. Although, I see it also deals with depression so I am wondering if Dr. Gignac thinks that I might have depression keeping me awake after chemo. I feel thats not the case because I can get good sleep most other nights. Its likely the steroids as part of the chemo premed cocktail. Speaking of, I also had my biweekly dose of Avastin. So I get about a half-pint of premeds, 25cc of benadryl, 2-pints of saline/surgar fluid, about a pint of Avastin, a pint of Taxol and a pint of carboplatin. I do wonder if there is any more blood left in my veins after such a large infusion! It seems to all go into me without a hitch. But, here I am, up at 4:30 AM, adding more fodder to the blog on a fine Friday morning. I wanted to get into the office today for a little bit but it will be dependent on if I can get a nap in later this morning.
On a personal, yet life altering note, Beth said she was meeting with her mom this weekend to discuss wedding plans. Unlike my disease, I think I am at the point of no return on this one! It has caused me to reflect on the difference between having cancer and ending bachelorhood. As bad as cancer is, it doesn't seem so permanent to me. Marriage on the other hand....well, I will never be able to check "single" on all those legal forms, unless its the "single, divorced" box. But I don't see ever checking that box. By the time we tie the knot, I will have been a bachelor for 34 years. While just a couple of years ago I was thinking I might be a bachelor well into my 40's or more, I now see how short life can be and I am ready to chuck that label to add more experiences to my life. I have it good, I love Beth and what she does for me. I am so lucky to have her so dedicated to me at this time. When I first was diagnosed, I loved her enough to want her to get out so her life wouldn't be dragged down by what could be my deteriating health. We were only a year and a half into our relationship and I thought that it would still be easy on the both of us to break it off so that she could enjoy a more normal life. Well, as you can see, that impluse never came to fruition so she left me no option but to put a ring on her finger and make her the focal point of my goal to beat this disease. If she is confident enough to stick it out with me, I am confident enough to beat this and get back on track to that more normal life. She see's something in me, the healing process, and nothing in the statistics to believe we have a future together. And while we do have our down days, I see it as well through her and you, my community of support, that I can and will beat this. So we will get married, probably sometime in May, and we will have a future. Due to her dedication to me, I owe it to her. Due to my love for her, I owe it to myself. My heart may have a little cancer on it now, but I will not die with a broken heart, I will work as hard as it takes to ensure this future.
Now for my first blog shotout...Many of my Cal Poly buddies are now making contact with me and giving me their thoughts and prayers. I didn't make contact with them early on because I just wasn't sure how to approach it and felt like I should wait until the second scans so that I can offer some good news to just "hey guys, I have cancer and I might die." Hearing from them has given me a big lift. So to the Grand House Posse, I love you all and I am sure glad you are here for me. And thanks to my good friend Stoney for starting the rumors to get the posse emailing and checking in. When we hold that next reunion party, you can count on me being there!
I might be tired as hell right now with an upset stomach, but I feel pretty damn good...
posted by Beth @ 1/06/2006 06:55:00 AM
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