Treatment 2.2 down with a down and up and down week...

You may have noticed I haven't been posting much on the blog this week. Some of it had to do with the outcome of that blasted Superbowl, the one where a certain Seahawk team lost to a certain Steeler team....at the hands of some questionable calls. Since this blog is more about my healing path and less about sports, I chose to not post anything to save you from my disgruntled NFL opinions. So we will leave it at that.

Really, I had a good start to this week getting in some solid hours at the office. I haven't worked as many hours since September. It was nice. I didn't push myself too hard. I just got on a roll, felt productive, helped out some coworkers who have repeatedly helped me out over the last few months, and more importantly, just felt normal for a change. I was able to get into the office by 8:30 AM and not leave until 6 PM or later. It felt nice! When your life gets turned upside down, its amazing how just doing the routine things you used to take for granted means so much. But more importantly, my coworkers have picked up the slack that I have left and have been at it without ever a complaint to me. They are always supportive of me. Yet I see them working hard, keeping very busy, yeah...they have the usual complaints one would expect from a busy office, but never has there been a vibe or dirty look at me and my inability to contribute. So when I can give back in anyway, it just pours out of me now. Its been refreshing and even though I have been feeling pretty lousy following this last chemo treatment, I look to continue getting in more hours and contributing however I can. I have found that doing chemo on Thursdays does allow me to be much more productive from Monday through Wednesday. In addition, I found myself feeling just well enough to put in a couple more hours on Friday. I am feeling like I can keep office hours consistently Monday-Wednesday, then add a few more hours Friday from home. I just wish there was a better way to keep this nausea under control to maybe get a longer day in on Friday and maybe even get into the office. Beth will be going back to work full time next week so I won't have her around on Fridays anymore. So I would like to keep myself busy on those days. There are a couple of other anti-nausea drugs I can try so I will keep experimenting to see if there is an option. Again, don't worry about me pushing it too hard, just know that I am out in the world living.

So then came chemo. The weather Thursday was the nicest we have had since last fall. I was able to get outdoors in just a short sleave shirt and let the breeze blow over my scalp! When I got inside the clinic, it was pretty slow and before I had a chance to sit down, George called me in to run the vitals. My bp was 123/84, pulse 81 bpm, blood O2 98%, and weight was at 200 lbs. Holding steady. So I bellied up at the chemo lounge room where Huang jacked me in. My blood counts came back slightly improved from the previous week. I am not sure how, but I think that was the first time since starting chemo that my blood counts actually came up and not dropped. Usually they drop ever so slightly but not this time. Whatever made the difference from the last week, I would like to know what. Maybe it was aggravation over that Superbowl! Then I got started on a frosty drink of Zometa and premeds. I got my shot of benadryl and right on que, Krystina came in for the exam. So wiping away the cobwebs from my tired eyes, we went over a few things. I told her about some increasing ringing in my ears. She said that is likely a side effect of the carboplatin and that she would discuss with Dr. Chen about reducing the dose next week. She also said she could detect decreasing lung capacity in my right lung. It is likely the pleural effusion that has developed so we will keep monitoring it. If it gets worse, I may need to take a water pill to see if that will drain it off. Beyond that, there was little more to discuss and I did my chemo like a good cancer patient.

So what was looking like a pretty good week ended on a down note and it is really why it has taken me a couple extra days to add to the blog. Sadly, I learned on Friday that Dr. Sodhi's youngest son tragically died in a car accident 2 weeks ago. My last appointment with him was cancelled by the office and I was to be rescheduled to see his brother, Shailinder, who also works at the office. I understood at the time that he went to India and didn't think much of it. Since my appointment was to check in with the start of the 2nd cycle, I cancelled the appointment with Shailinder to help accomodate the juggling of patients. So Friday I stopped in to get more herbs and that was when I learned of the tragedy. I wasn't feeling well last night from the chemo and I felt even more terrible for Dr. Sodhi and his family. I still feel pretty bad for their loss. It has affected me pretty deeply. I look to Dr. Sodhi to help guide me through my healing and keep me alive. His wife also works in the office, she does the massage for the panch karma treatment, a therapy I went through last spring. So I got to know her real well. She would lecture me on not taking too much longer in life to get started on my family. I know she was real proud of hers and her two sons. When Beth and I got engaged, I proudly told both her and Dr. Sodhi and they were very happy for me. Since the cancer diagnosis, she would always ask me how things were going and how I was doing through it all and continually telling me I am looking good and that I will beat it. This family really cares about me and wants to see me through this disease. I have had real faith in Dr. Sodhi's guidance since they treat me as James, not a patient with a social security number and an insurance card. Last fall, Dr. Sodhi gave me his cell phone number and his home phone number and wanted me to call him immediately if I was having any problems. How many doctors do this for people? The way they treat me is what seperates doctors from healers. Dr. Sodhi is a healer. And for him and his wife to suffer this loss feels like an injustice to me. In dealing with my own mortality, I have become very sensitive to death. So I am deeply affected by the loss of Dr. Sodhi's 16 year old son. That is too young. This morning, I moved the focus of my meditations and prayers off of myself and to the Sodhi family. I wish I could do more, but I know this is what I can do in hopes that it will heal them. Furthermore, I will work harder on my own healing so that I can honor Dr. Sodhi with my own survival. No more death and dying, only living. The year 2006 wasn't supposed to start like this, but we can finish it strong.

I ask you to hug those that you love and enjoy the moment. Life is so precious and it can simply disappear like a winter breath. Don't take this living world for granted because it can come and go like a midnight dream. I know I have said it before but it is a truly beautiful world we live in. Life is so amazing and deserves so much more of our attention. We can get lost in the pettiness and insignificant details and find ourselves missing out on the beauty until its too late. Although I was in pretty low spirits and feeling ill, I was able to get out on a walk today with my friend, Sushil. We had another nice day today and we soaked in the snow capped Olympic Mountains off of the west Seattle waterfront. We were able to enjoy the day and take notice of those significant details which often get missed in the shuffle of the daily routine. And as I looked across the water at those enchanting jagged peaks, my heart broke because I knew there was a lost young life that wasn't here to see it anymore. In reflecting on my own fragile life, I know there could be a day that I won't be here to see it anymore. My fight is to push that back as long as I can, but I will no longer take these views for granted. My eyes won't be closed to this world...